Part 1 The Drive

The Drive

This drive never gets old. Shifting gears with the windows down and my hair flying through the night. It was blissful. It was routine. It was my life. Looking down to double check my cash, hoping zep was around. I hated going to anyone but zep. He was my favorite guy. Besides the sweetness in his voice and how nice he always was, I just felt safe. Most dealers in the city were sketchy at best. You never know coming down here what kind of crap you were going to be dealt. Chances of you getting screwed were pretty high too. Hell, last time Zep wasn't here his other buddy offered to give me double for a quicky. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. Anyway, Zep, he was tall, dark, nicely dressed, and very good looking for living in the worst parts of the city. He had something about him that intrigued me. His eyes were so sweet. I loved dealing with him.

While still in deep thought, zoning out a bit I hear John yell slow down! 5-0! An immediate rise in my blood pressure and my heart is pounding as I slow down. John, there was so much to say about this guy. I'd only known him a few months. These few months my entire life had changed. What I thought was a new chapter in my life. A complete love turned fascination turned to a crazy addiction. I was one of those addicts you heard about but never in your wildest imaginations thought that could be you. You are above that. Too good for that. There is no way you would let yourself become one of those losers.. or so you thought.

We started coming to the city because it was new. There were nice parts to go walking in, cool shops.. but there were also drugs. The experiment turned addiction was all too real. I'm not even sure why it happened. It was so crazy. The minute we started this relationship it was nothing but a drug invested haven of utter bullshit. This bullshit at the time was an intense craving for more. I'm not sure if it was the risk, the adrenaline, the high, the craziness, the newness.. the way I felt. But it was all too real. I felt like my eyes were opened for the first time and now they can never be shut again.

I pulled up in front of the shops. You never parked by where Zeppo was. Not unless you wanted to get shot, or have cops all over you. Yeah, its funny though, when we started looking around that area we were accused of being undercover cops. No, we were just dope fiends. Dope fiends that would rather buy the scrambled crap because it was cheap verses the raw good shit we could find in our town. Maybe it was the excitement of the city. The fact that you never knew what might go down on a typical night. I wasn't sure, but it was what we lived for.

I start walking, with nothing on me but cash. I walk alone. John usually stays behind. Here I am, no weapon, no mace.. not even a cell phone. Thinking back to that day, those days.. I'm lucky I made home alive to relive any of this. After the one episode of being chased with a knife to my car, or the time the guy fronted for me and expected twice the cash I gave him to cop, which meant he went to get the drugs for us. I don't think I've ever been that scared. 

Still walking fearlessly through down the street he sees me from a distant. Zep. He says girl where have you been? His smile lights up my face and I'm a little bashful at the moment. We continue making small talk as we pass a few guys playing chess outside on top of the sidewalk. They all acknowledge Zep while I can feel there eyes piercing my skin. He says to me wait here. He walks into one of those houses.. I smile and try to look relaxed. Not a care in the world here.. except you know the usual.. getting raped, or beat, or killed. But Zep he was well respected. No one would dare mess with me. They knew better. My mind drifted, I start playing with my lips like I always do when I'm anxious. Holy shit what is taking so long. Finally he walks out. Of course there is more than what I paid for. This one is from me he says with a smile on his face. He walks me back, to the edge of the street and says when are you going to let me take you out, somewhere nice. I know my face is red at this point. Not that I would ever date or even consider his offer but between his good looks and that way about him.. he always left me in some kind of wonder.

Walking back to the car was completely different. I am walking quickly. He's watching me so I know for the most part I'm okay but that doesn't stop me from rolling out like nobodies business. Its quick. I slowly make my way up to the car. I'm on the sidewalk by all the shops and I feel relieved. Now to get the hell out of the city. Is this really the adrenaline I live for? Say it aint so. But unfortunately it is. As I jump in the car and John looks over at me and I scoop the caps out of my pocket. This time he's in the drivers seat. There is that look on his face. The look of relief. He pulls out quickly and we drive a few miles away from the pick up location to snort, and inject.

I've always considered injecting, but needles just aren't for me. This is probably the reason you'll never see a tattoo on my skin. Its just not for me. Don't get me wrong I love the way they look but its just not for me. I had some sort of philosophy that if I snort small amounts I will never OD. I mean obviously it worked so far. John was the risk taker. His idea was to get so high he couldn't see straight. I've always been a buzz girl. I just want to feel the high not let the high get out of control. So hear I am tightening Johns tourniquet as he burning the dope on his lucky spoon. I will never forget the sweet smell of sizzling heroin. Its a smell that you just can't forget. It isn't a good smell, just as the drip is horrible but at the same time it is amazing. Its hard to describe how good it is. How good the high feels. In that moment we were living the damn dream. Two junkies, just working hard enough to get high and letting life just be. 

My mind was opened up to things I never thought I would embrace. It was interesting and fascinating. I was lost, or was I found. I was not sure. My mind was so heavy in thought I wasn't sure if I was coming or going.